Emotional Relationship

We all get angry and upset at our loved ones, once in a while. Sometimes, a disagreement can lead to an upsetting situation and a bad memory we just can’t let go of. It can even taint a good relationship. It happens to the best of us. But if we are able to somehow move on from it, be it by apologizing or by explaining our actions and reasoning. Then there might be a chance for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Now take this very sensitive situation and apply it to a relationship that involves someone who has Alzheimer’s disease. Remember, the emotions are just as strong as any human would feel. But the thought process, understanding and memories of the person with dementia are much more unstable.

The Day Of The Move

Beth was only 68 years old and had Alzheimer’s disease. Her dementia was slowly deteriorating her ability to think clearly and she could no longer take care of her own needs. Beth’s daughter Lori, a young single mom, who had to work and couldn’t meet all of Beth’s needs. Had to make a very difficult decision. Beth had to be put into a care home, and so she was.

The day of the move, it was apparent that Beth was opposed to being put in the care home. She was emotional, upset and angry with her daughter for pushing her out of her home. Lori had no idea what to say, but could not think of any other way but to carry on with the move. The anger stayed with Beth.

It didn’t take Beth very long to settle in. For the six months that she had been living in the care home, she truly enjoyed being there. Beth was the type of lady that cracked jokes, laughed out loud, and was full of life and very social with other residents and staff.

It came as a big surprise to me when Lori asked if Beth was joining in at any of the programs and if she was happy living at the home.  My response was, “Of course! She’s thriving here, and is the life of the party, even though she can’t sign her name anymore or tell you what year it is.”

It shocked me to hear that every time Lori came to visit, Beth’s reaction was always angry. She would say, “Oh it’s you! You put me here! Why did you do that? It’s your fault. I wish I was back home; I can’t stand it here.” This was not true at all, but it was exactly what Beth had thought when her daughter was moving her in, and it’s the exact feelings she felt every time she saw her daughter. Her daughter had become a trigger for the anger over the uncertainty of moving. The painful memory she now correlated with being pushed out of her home.

Understanding The Emotions

People with Alzheimer’s disease may not be able to reason and won’t understand the facts. But they will feel emotion. It’s very easy to correlate emotions with a person, thing, or event, and that’s what Beth had done.

I suggested that even though we may not be able to erase the event that made Beth feel angry. We might be able to bring about better, kinder, more positive emotions when Lori came to visit. I asked Lori to bring some of Beth’s most favourite foods when she next came to visit. And to apologize when Beth became upset and angry.

Lori brought pastries as a peace offering, and Beth was interested, as she loved pastries. When they started eating, Beth started bringing up how upset she was over the move. Lori apologized, “Mom, I’m so very sorry. The move was suggested by the doctor, and he said that if it doesn’t work out, you can come home.” Beth seemed to like the explanation, and Lori quickly asked about some of the fun activities at the care home. Which got Beth talking and laughing. It had worked! Although, I explained to Lori that she might need to do this kind of apologizing, reminiscing, and laughing each time she visited. As the feelings may linger and the Alzheimer brain has difficulty making new memories. After a few visits like this, it seemed that Beth did get over her hurt feelings and had become very positive when Lori came to see her.

It is difficult to get over hurdles when your loved one with Alzheimer’s disease can’t understand a reasonable explanation; their feelings rule their actions. If it seems that everything you do to help your loved one with dementia turns into a fight, it might be time to ask an expert to step in. Feel free to call us at 778-789-1496, to ask questions about a singular situation, or if you need someone to visit and do guided coaching.