It’s About More Than a Pair of Shoes:
Using Creativity Instead of Orders to Address Challenging Behaviours

No one likes being told what to do, whether it’s a kid rolling their eyes whenever their parents tell them to make their bed or a spouse muttering under their breath every time they’re ordered to take out the garbage. Mutiny is in our nature, instinctively we all rebel against a command, and the same goes for those with dementia.

In their efforts to be protective and caring, many family members unconsciously infringe upon the independence of a loved one with dementia by constantly barking orders. Certainly, as memory loss progresses, someone with dementia will need frequent reminders and may even require decisions made on their behalf, but it’s important to remind ourselves that no one likes being treated this way. Despite the label of their condition, a person with dementia is still a person first and foremost. When any person feels helpless and incapable of doing anything correctly, it can shake their confidence, lead to a depressive mood, and spark even more resistance.

This is what happened in the case of a gentleman with dementia named Donald, who did not react well to his wife, Mary, telling him that he needed to toss his old pair of shoes out in favour of some new ones. To help Donald dress appropriately for outings, Mary would often pick out his clothing and tell him what he needed to do to get ready. When she came home one day with a new pair of shoes and told her husband to wear them from now on, Donald’s frustration boiled over and he flatly refused to wear them. Anytime Mary brought the subject up, Donald’s answer was “No!”

Telling Donald what to do was simply not working, so Mary tried a more creative tactic. She removed the laces from the old, worn-out shoes, and left the new shoes by the door. Of course she would return the laces if Donald asked for them, but she hoped that he would simply put on the new shoes without a second thought. To Mary’s delight, her plan worked! As she watched from around the corner, Donald put on the new shoes without saying a word. From then on, every time he left the house, he wore his new shoes.

What was the key to success? Instead of Donald feeling forced to do something, he felt he had made a choice. Mary understood his need to feel more in control of his life and decided to get creative. In many ways, what happened between Donald and Mary was about more than a pair of shoes—it was about restoring a sense of independence, empowerment, and, ultimately, greater harmony.